Ayesha's Story

Part 1: Ayesha’s First Maternity Boudoir:

I did this shoot a couple months ago and It’s taken me some time to find the right words to explain how special and beautiful this shoot was. Ayesha is a surrogate and I had the pleasure of capturing her during her 12th pregnancy. She has 6 kids of her own and has been the home for 6 other beautiful babies for other people who couldn’t grow their own.

Ayesha did this shoot at this time because she feels most beautiful when she is pregnant. How amazing is it that 1. Her body has been so strong and safe, time after time, for so many different souls 2. That she’s been willing to lend her body to give so many other people the gift of another life and 3. That she feels so comfortable and beautiful during this state of constant change.

Another thing that made this shoot so special is that she brought her 2 young daughters with her who cheered their beautiful momma on the whole time. I am bffs with my momma so I love that they are all close enough to share this vulnerable experience together. I also love that these young girls got to witness their momma step out of her comfort zone to feel sexy and safe in her own skin. It’s truly such an important lesson for young girls in this generation of all the body image issues to understand that true beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.

There was a moment during this shoot where I genuinely teared up. I showed Ayesha a photo of herself on the back of my camera and she couldn’t even believe it was her. Her reaction is the reason why I do what I do. Everyone deserves to look at themselves and feel their breath get taken away by their own beauty. Everyone deserves to feel grateful and sexy in their rawest, most authentic form. Everyone deserves this. For real ladiess, if you’re in need of some serious self love, book yourself a boudoir shoot. This story is just living proof that feeling sexy is nothing but a state of mind. Stop waiting to be in better shape or waiting for the lumps, bumps, and scars to disappear. Instead try embracing it. You’re entire life will change, I promise. 

Part 2: Ayesha’s Story

My name is Ayesha, I am 42 years old. When I was 28, my first “husband” and the father of my first two children, died as the result of an overdose. I spent a year, alone, grieving his loss and believing I would never find anyone else who would love me.

After that year, I thought I had conquered the pain of his loss and accepted that I deserved to let love back into my life. I met a man who I thought was everything I deserved. He made me feel beautiful again. Unfortunately, although I shared a marriage with this man- a man I loved more than anything- and we brought three more children into this world, it was not the love I deserved. Now I am working on conquering the pain of loss again. I am striving to rise above the destruction caused by his betrayal and cheating over the 15 years we were together.

I didn’t think that there could ever be a greater pain than losing a partner to his death. It wasn’t until the first time I found that my husband was cheating on me that I realized the pain of hurt and betrayal could be greater than the pain of death. The pain that brought was so much worse. It was like losing the man I loved, but he was still here. I was so afraid of completely losing him, I was so “in love" with who I believed him to be, that I was willing to overlook it and I forgave and welcomed him back into my life. So many times over the course of our marriage I accepted the betrayals. I believed I would be able to fix him. I wanted so much to trust him when he said he was sorry and that he would never do it again. I started to lose myself over those years, it just took me too long to actually see it.

His constant betrayals eventually made me feel so worthless. I developed such an unhealthy view of my “self" and my body. I wanted to take care of myself, but thought he wanted me because of the way I looked and that if I changed he would cheat again. I looked at myself so negatively that I no longer took care of myself. Eventually I began to think that I would never be beautiful enough for anyone else and that I had to accept the way he treated me because no one else would ever want me. Who I “was" was so influenced by the external that I had to find “something".

Eventually these low feelings of self worth caused me to look outside of myself. I began to seek out happiness for myself through helping others. I became a surrogate mother for families who could not have children on their own. It brought me great joy. During each surrogacy journey, I also felt closer to my husband. I thought that everything was improving and that we would be able to overcome the betrayals and that we could rebuild the things that had worked to break down our marriage. These surrogacies helped me find something wonderful, I never felt more beautiful than when I was pregnant especially while I was carrying for such a worthy reason.

Even in the joy I was finding with these surrogacy journeys, there remained pain. I soon realised that there was going to be no “fixing" my marriage. I wanted and needed something that he could never give. Each time I had started to believe that maybe we would have the future I had always dreamed of, something would happen to let me know that he will never be what I need him to be for me and my children.

He showed me great “love" and never made me feel ashamed of my body, in fact both of my ‘true loves' made me believe that my weight never mattered. They could make me believe I was beautiful regardless of my size.

I have battled my weight and my love of my own body all my life. They helped me toward winning that battle... until my husband's betrayals tore away at that belief and I started to no longer feel beautiful in my own body.

Being pregnant through the surrogacies helped me love my body again; but only while I was pregnant.

 I have struggled these last few months. I had finally decided that I was going to love me and not let a man determine my worth. I let my husband shake that resolve again, but I am more determined than ever to find self love.

This body has taken care of me for the past 42 years. It has supported me through all aspects of my life – including being in the army. My body  has brought ten children into this world and, if the universe allows, will hopefully help two more families achieve their dreams.

This body may not be “perfect" but it has done amazing things. Today, and from this point forward, I just want to learn to accept my body for all that it has been able to accomplish and to learn to take the best care of it that I can. I am also coming to realise that I need to love and accept myself for all the powerful, wonderful things I am and have done so that I don’t feel the need to look for that validation from others.

 I thought that my husband’s love was what I needed. What I really need is my own.

 If I have any advice for someone struggling through this or doubting their own self worth it that you should never settle for less than you deserve. Never accept less than the best because you are afraid of being alone. Love yourself enough to set yourself free. You are always enough.

And finally EVERY BODY IS A PERFECT BODY made especially for the person living inside it.